I love my daughter but she really can tell some tales.
I am sure all children do so but as this is a record for them one day to read and get to know the inner workings of their mother and her parenting skills, I am going to tell it here in all it's glory.
It might go on a bit.
This is my now favourite photo of her.
I bought that parasol in Neal Street East Covent Garden when I was about sixteen £3.95 it's the first time it's been up
So I picked her up from school, what would have happened if it had been her father.
I've got some thing really bad to tell you but I will tell you behind the bins.
I think not
Did you have an accident in the loo?
No not that, it is much more badder than that...
I swallowed a bead.
Did the bead belong to someone?
No I found it on the floor
Was it definitely a bead?
Yes it was silver.
Is it part of a set, were you doing counting or something?
No I just had it.
How did it get in your mouth?
I was playing with it and throwing it and it went up in the air and landed in my mouth and just went down.
are you ok?
Yes, are you not angry with me?
No I am not angry with you but we will be talking about the bead later.
Don't tell Daddy
What the hell is with my girls and bloody beads ???????
It's ok Truly I am sure that you will just poo it out in the next couple of days
What, out of my poo hole?
Please let this evacuation run smoothly.
G is in London at a swanky do, I can't be bothered with a big meal so make them tuna pasta
at some point in the late afternoon she shows me a similar bead that we have knocking about.
I happen to mention that it is good that it is a smooth bead and lets hope that it features centrally in her motions.
Casually I ask her more about the bead blah blah but it's all vague.
At dinner I say
There are four things I expect of you through your life, are you listening?
1 - to know that I love you with all my heart and that will never change
2 - to come home safe at the end of the day
3 - I can't remember what three is, (and I can change it to adapt to situations)
4 - never lie to me WHATEVER the situation
Eyes wide open
If you always tell the truth you will always remember what you said.
I will always help you fix the situation however bad things are but if you lie then it means that I am fixing a lie and that would be terribly wrong.
For example, if you push someone at school and said you didn't do it, I would tell the teacher she said she didn't do it, but if you tell me you did push, we can talk about it find away to fix it and make the situation better.
(then I'll bring you home and rip your head off)
I go on with
Everything you do as a child will in some way have been done by either me or daddy
Did you swallow a bead?
No, but I tried to hide a boiled sweat from Grandma in my mouth on the way home from school once, swallowed it whole and it got stuck in my chest and hurt for hours and breathing was difficult.
Eyes wide open.
You see T,
I pick up pieces of sweetcorn and start throwing them in the air and attempt to catch them in my mouth,
all adults have practiced this trick with nuts over the years and it is not that easy so when you tell me that the bead just dropped down your throat from the air, I don't believe you.........
and this bead story will never go away because I will keep asking you questions until you start in Year 2 and if your story changes I will know that you are not telling the truth and then where will we be?
Mum I forgot, I mean that isn't what happened.
Didn't think so.
Start from the begining.
I found the bead on the floor and it didn't belong to anything so I was playing with it
So someone could have walked it in on a crack in their shoe?
She looks horrified nodding
Don't you have a pocket in your dress?
Yes but I wanted it in my mouth and I was keeping it here
Points under her top lip and along the back of her gum line
The penny is not dropping for me yet
and then I take it out to eat and then put it back in
So this happens at lunch?
yes, in out in out
I just wanted it in my mouth and then I had the chocolate and I swallowed it
Think back to making lunches this morning.............LIAR
you didn't have any chocolate in your lunch!
no it's Roccos birthday and it was his cake for the class
Then the penny drops
T were keeping it in your mouth because you want a silver tooth?
What a stupid mother, I forgot what the topic of conversions have been this week and that grandma had her gold tooth removed
My head in my hands
Have you been worrying about the bead since lunch and thinking what to tell me
What have you learned from this?
Never pick anything up from the floor unless it's a sweet or
NO, never pick anything up from the floor and stick it in your mouth
Oh, Oh yes.
Later on when I am tucking her in.
Will the bead come out of my wee hole?
Will we see it in the toilet?
How will we know it has come out?
If you have tummy pains by the end of the week I will assume that it is still in there and causing some trouble and then we will go to the Dr and explain the problem.
They can't take it out!
I am sure they will take a special picture called an x ray and the bead will show up like a small white dot and maybe they will tell us it is on it's way out.
There are lots of children out there who eat all sorts of things they shouldn't
Well years ago when mummy worked with nurse F, there were children were not only sick in their bodies they were also sick in the head.....
I can't believe I said that
and one little boy would eat his blankets and his daddy was dreadfully worried beacause some of his toys were missing. The nurses said to leave it a couple of days and lets see what happens sure enough by Thursday a toy car and two AA batteries came out and all was well so I am sure the bead is nothing to worry about.
And with that she curled up and went to sleep.
Job done although I will reflect on how well.